i am never-endingly tired. i hurt, constantly. sometimes it’s a dull ache, other days my ribcage cracks open. bone splinters between teeth, and i struggle to keep from screaming in pain, to keep from sobbing for hours. i clench my teeth and scar my palms with my nails, keeping it inside. i close my eyes, but that makes it worse. i try to take notes in class. i cannot. i try to talk. i cannot. i try to function. i cannot. i do not have enough energy to pick up my phone and check my messages. i do not talk to the people i love. i hate myself for it. i become so numb, i shred my legs. i take pills to soften the edges of the numbness. it is not sharp, but it is metal, heavy and cold. it reduces me to something i’m not. it begs for a cigarette. it searches my consciousness for something of value and finds nothing. it does not let me wash my face or make myself tea. it tells me to eat, and then makes me so nauseous i do not eat for a day, two days, too many hours without food. the worst is that it does not let me sleep. it drags me through the night, miserable and immobile. it tranquilizes the monster that is grief, but i miss that goddamn monster. i would rather be angry. it ruins everything it touches. it burns, cold. it chills and leaves me shaking, but i feel beyond still. i’m sure i’ll die soon, but it is a bleeding out that never ends, and hurts too much and too little. i begin to despise the things i know i love. color leaves my world, inch by inch. i blink blue. the only bright thing is the end of the cigarette. i wonder how i got it and can’t remember the last three days. the urge to set my hand inside that burning candle until i feel something is nearly uncontrollable. i do not count as being alive.
~ j.bleth
leafblood 